Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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