I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
