Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
