it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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