Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
