My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
