Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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