someone get that fucking seahorse.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize