On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why are your pants in the freezer?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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