I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
