dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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