Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
