Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
