I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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