i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
birth control should be required to get into college
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize