smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
