I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
