I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
