Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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