the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize