I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I can text with my tongue
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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