ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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