The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
