Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you traded sex for a burrito?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
