just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
