I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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