I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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