Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
COCAINE IS GR8
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
