hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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