WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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