I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
