It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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