i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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