why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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