By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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