They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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