Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
