we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
