Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
