Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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