8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
