i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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