It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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