Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
