it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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