dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
