i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
