My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize