Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
