but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
