Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
