i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You pole danced in your parka.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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