i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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