it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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