I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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