my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
