My hand turned me down
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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